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1. |
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orange light hit the tide bottles and the drain board
it smelled like stale misty 120s
and pomegranate lotion
and dog piss
and i will always search for that comfort
you slept on the couch, your hair thin and fluffed out
like baby birds feathers in the air conditioner
your polar ice cap
behind a door, up the spiral stairs
you could get lost up here
i could get lost up here
i think i’m lost up here
did you know you died up here?
i kept all your flowers
i kept all your scrapbooks
i kept all your voicemails
i kept all your paintings
i kept all your notes
i kept all your ashes
i kept you
i kept all
i kept
i kept
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2. |
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mostly i think of you when we would drive and sing
and how the same lyrics always punched our guts
mostly i think of you cause you would understand things
like the lump in my throat for people who don’t exist anymore
or how bad things got right after it happened
i know we’re different now
i don’t hate you at all
i heard you were sober now
i'm so proud of you
mostly i think of you when i hear a new song
and how the same lyrics would probably punch your guts
mostly i think of you when i smell menthol cigarettes
or when i listen to front bottoms in my car
like we did when we were in new jersey
i know we’re different now
i don’t hate you at all
i thought you’d come back somehow
but I’m glad to be rid of you
i know we're different now
i don’t hate you at all
i don’t hate you at all
i don’t hate you at all
i don't hate you at all
i don't hate you at all
i don't hate you at all
i don't hate you at all
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3. |
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just can’t pull myself from the fly paper of these sheets
i’m just grating this food right on through these teeth
takes too much energy to wanna get up and eat
and i’m always so tired
but i can’t grasp these fingers around any from of sleep
when i look in the mirror all i see is a watered down version of me
words that are sour and icy are all that i can spew
paranoia sinks in and i blame it all on you
my skull’s getting tighter but i guess this isn’t new
and i’m always so tired
every unspoken thought etched in my throat is cheap
i’m spitting up blood instead of making myself go to sleep
when i look in the mirror all i see is a watered down version of me
when i look in the mirror all i see is a watered down version of me
when i look in the mirror all i see is a watered down version of me
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4. |
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I used to search your names on myspace when I was a little girl
I always wanted brothers but to you I was just a little girl
you didn’t know me, I guess you still don’t
when all four of us were together with our dying mom
I felt like things were complete, foursiblings with our dying mom
but you didn’t know me,i guess you still don’t
coming to north carolina for the wedding was so nice
i loved being together and the wedding was so nice
but you didn’t know me, i guess you still don’t
i wonder if you’d even call me if we didn’t have the trust fund
you never ask how things are when you call about the trust fund
cause you didn’t wanna know me, i guess you still don’t
I really love you guys and it just feels like you just don’t
its hard to love you guys when it feels like you just don’t
it’s real hard being a kid, i’m only twenty three
and i feel like you expect too much of me
it’s real hard being alone, mom died and i’m only twenty three
and i feel like you expect too much of me
cause you didn’t know me
i guess you still don’t
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5. |
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you were the voice that i grew up with
the music that lived in my head
you are a human in the shape the songs i write
since the moment you've been dead
it's kind of hard to differentiate between how i used to feel
and what's present
but every word i write has been touched by thoughts
of what you'd think if you read
all of the things that come out of my head
i'd want you to be proud and I'd want you to sing all of them
you got to see me sing a sang song one time
i was sixteen and my hair was still red
you said my voice was more beautiful than my sisters
i laugh about it now and i laughed about it then
it's kind of hard to differentiate between what’s part of me
and whats just sadness
but every laugh that i project’s been touched by your humor
that lives on while you're dead
all this fuckin shit that comes out of my head
i'd want you to laugh too and i'd want you to tell your own jokes then
your memory in the shape of a freckled daughter
walks around colored with the heart that you bred
you are alive in my skin and my heart and my head
i want you to be proud of me
and your bloods the blood I've bled
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6. |
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the birds are chirping but you can’t hear them
you’d sing about it if you did
you always woke us up in the morning singing
about those birdies when were kids
my arms are feeling really heavy
and theres an ever growing cavern in my chest
you think i would learn to make it hurt less by now
it's been three years tonight since you’ve been dead
its kind of funny how this is still consuming me now
i spent six years waiting for it to happen like it did
i just thought it’d stop eating me after somehow
but i’m just as fucked now as when i was still a kid
my eyes haven’t wanted to close when i need to sleep
every second of your last days spin on and on in my head
i can’t remember what i’m even doing right now
but i remember each stitch you wore in your hospital bed
the mango sorbet that was your last bite that you could manage
i didn’t throw out til i left our old place last month
i’m trying to let go and live in the present
but parts of my brain just won’t get unstuck
the birds are chirping and you can’t hear them
i wish i could just wake you up with a song
you are the best person i’ll ever meet in my whole life
promise i’ll love you until my last breath comes along
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7. |
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i know you’re not this house
i know you’re not these things
but throwing them out still hurts my heart so much
and leaving this place still stings
i know that all the memories
are safe inside of my head
but i’m afraid to forget even one or two of them
and to leave the space that held your bed
i know that i need to start growing
theres no progress to be made looking back
but dwelling inside of the times you were alive
doesn’t feel like a punishment
i know you’re not in the flowers
that dried up above in the net
but i know your eyes looked up at them
on the days before you were dead
i know your scent is long gone now
and slowly follow all of your things
but it’s where i told you to find uncle richard
by heavens gates and gain your angel wings
i don’t believe in all of that that stuff but
i know it’s what you wanted when you left
i held you and told you i’d be okay
while i was laying on your breast
your said nothing and your breathing was labored
i memorized your heartbeat so i wouldn’t forget
slept on the floor exhausted the aching in my chest
dreamt the couch held your lucid silhouette
i know that you don’t still live here
but this is where i held your hand
when your last breath slipped out
and it’s as close as i’ll ever be to you alive again.
i know you’re not this house
i know you’re not these things
but throwing them out still hurts my heart so much
and leaving this place still stings
i know that all the memories
are safe inside of my head
but i’m afraid to forget even one or two of them
and to leave the space that held your bed
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8. |
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i was born unaware of greedy fingers
because hands that bore me were dipped in milk and honey
delivered only love to my new skin my new brain
when i was given this skin i was unaware
it was possible to grow to itch within it
because of what others would tell me i needed to live in it
it is just what it needs to be as it was given to me
and if my fathers hands are made of apple trees
and the blossoms and the fruit
and my mothers blood runs powerful and strong
like the tides run in tandem with the moon
that means that’s what is in my skin too
when i came into this world i was unaware
of the way the rungs of ladders can give out
your support can fall down below the clouds
milk and honey and apples won’t always around
i need to look inside my own skin and
patch the holes and rot within
with splintered shards of the rungs that held me when i was new
they made me safe and this will too
milk and honey and fruit and you,
sweet and nourishing good and true
it's inside my blood too
you are the warm light in my chest
you fill my veins with all the best
milk and honey and fruit and you
sweet and nourishing good and true
mom and dad
i love you
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9. |
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if roots entangle each other, it can strangle all of the growth
but what do you do when those doing the strangling are roots of your own
if you crush the roots that grew you, can you continue to grow?
you could try and wait to find out but is it worth dying to know?
thoughts upon thoughts are made out of thick vines
they snake and they knot and ensnare all the time
how do i photosynthesize if i stay in the dark
i don’t want to leave here but i’m falling apart
hurt in the soil stays behind when you uproot as far as I can tell
can take my roots with me somewhere new if i believe in myself
lots died in that space i was in but they live through my growth
stagnation and death can only foster those both
the soil here is fresh and the water is clean
have the strongest stalk and leaves that I have ever have been
I wish you could have seen
the petals that reach for the sun are a testament to the seeds that you planted
i thought you’d be gone but you’re the foundation I’ve taken for granted
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an album about watching your mother slowly die, living in the house she died in and trying to learn to leave it and some of the failed relationships along the way
